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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29012073">What Is Love?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/squiggid/pseuds/squiggid'>squiggid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Axel and Saïx are Exes, Blow Jobs, Early 358/2 Days, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Porn with Feelings, The Organization XIII Members Don't Wear Clothes Under Their Coats, There May Or May Not Be Love Involved</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:42:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,921</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29012073</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/squiggid/pseuds/squiggid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Well, what is it?” Roxas asks again, finally turning toward his partner.</p>
<p>With a deep, loud sigh, Axel sits up. “Just forget about it. It’s not something that Nobodies like us need to know, anyway.”</p>
<p>He’s not wrong, but that’s not really why Axel doesn’t answer the question.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Axel/Roxas (Kingdom Hearts), Isa/Lea (Kingdom Hearts)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What Is Love?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What is love?”</p>
<p>Axel pauses, mouth open, halfway to his ice cream, and turns to the boy sitting next to him. Roxas doesn’t meet his gaze; just stares off into the forever twilight sky with that distant look in his eye that he always has.</p>
<p>The question throws Axel for a loop, not because of the question itself, but because Roxas is asking it in the first place.</p>
<p>“Where did you hear that word?” Axel asks, lowering the hand holding his ice cream.</p>
<p>Roxas drops his eye down to the ice cream melting off the stick in his hand. “Xaldin mentioned it.”</p>
<p>“Xaldin, huh...” Axel echoes, looking up at the sky.</p>
<p>That guy was looking into that love-cursed castle, wasn’t he? Being the quiet guy that he is, Xaldin probably didn’t mention love to intentionally fuck with Roxas, unlike someone like Xigbar or Luxord—or hell, Marluxia, of all people. That could have been bad.</p>
<p>“Well, what is it?” Roxas asks again, finally turning toward his partner.</p>
<p>Axel grimaces. “It’s... kind of hard to explain.”</p>
<p>Roxas just stares at him with those wide, blue eyes, always waiting, always searching. Axel hasn’t known him for that long, but he does know that the newbie doesn’t take hints, and he won’t drop a subject unless directly told to.</p>
<p>With a deep, loud sigh, Axel sits up. “Just forget about it. It’s not something that Nobodies like us need to know, anyway.”</p>
<p>He’s not wrong, but that’s not really why Axel doesn’t answer the question.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>What is love? Axel used to know the answer to that question. He used to feel it in his chest and his smile and his fucking fingertips, even. But it feels like a lifetime ago. It was a lifetime ago.</p>
<p>Now, when Axel looks at Saïx, he doesn’t feel anything at all.</p>
<p>“How was your mission with Number 13?” Saïx asks in that clear, calm way of his without looking up from the documents on his desk.</p>
<p>Axel shrugs and leans against the desk. “Same as yesterday. He’s getting the hang of it.”</p>
<p>“Continue to monitor him.”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say.”</p>
<p>They’re so close next to each other, but it doesn’t really feel like anything. There isn’t any warmth or electricity at all. It doesn’t even feel awkward to be so close; it just feels like… nothing.</p>
<p>There was a time when they couldn’t be apart from each other. There was a time when they would hold hands until one of them got too embarrassed. There was a time where Lea would shower Isa’s face with kisses until Isa pushed him away with his face flushed red.</p>
<p>It was a lifetime ago, but maybe it’s not impossible to feel that again.</p>
<p>With a hesitant scoot of his hand across the desk, Axel hooks his pinky finger around Saïx’s.</p>
<p>Finally, Saïx pauses in his task. He glances at their linked fingers, and then, slowly, he lifts his gaze to meet Axel’s.</p>
<p>Axel used to lose himself in those eyes. He used to love when they were on him; he’d find every excuse so that they’d be on him. But now, looking at them—gold instead of cyan—all Axel sees is a blankness fit for someone without a heart.</p>
<p>Of course his eyes would look like that. Saïx doesn’t have a heart. Neither of them do.</p>
<p>Shaking his head, Axel sighs and pulls his hand away. He doesn’t even bother explaining his action to Saïx—partly because Saïx probably wouldn’t care, and partly because there’s not much to say, anyway.</p>
<p>It’s understood that they all want to have hearts again. There’s no use pretending like they have them.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>But for some reason, it doesn’t feel like pretend when Axel is around Roxas. Maybe it’s just that Roxas is so new and relies on him so much. Maybe it’s because of Roxas’ relation to the Keyblade Bearer. But something about this absentminded blonde boy makes Axel yearn to feel that warmth in his chest again for the first time in ages.</p>
<p>“You want to know what love is?” Axel asks Roxas in his room one day when they return from a mission.  </p>
<p>Roxas blinks and stands up straighter. He doesn’t even say anything, but Axel can see the answer in his eyes. Those blue eyes sometimes have so much emotion in them even if Roxas doesn’t have a heart just like the rest of them. He doesn’t have a heart, but still, somehow, he feels like the answer Axel has been searching for.</p>
<p>Placing his hands on Roxas’ shoulders, Axel leans down a bit to be eye-level with the boy.</p>
<p>“Let me show you,” Axel says.</p>
<p>Then he leans in and presses his lips to Roxas’.</p>
<p>It’s been a long time since Axel last kissed someone. He forgot almost everything about it, but he tries to remember with movements against Roxas’ mouth. He tries to remember what it feels like to touch just behind someone’s ear to pull them closer, and he tries to remember how to encourage his partner to kiss back with the gentlest of touches.</p>
<p>But Roxas doesn’t kiss back. When Axel pulls away, Roxas doesn’t have his usual blank expression. Instead, he just looks a little lost.</p>
<p>“How… was that?” Axel asks, feeling a little awkward.</p>
<p>“It was… OK,” Roxas answers.</p>
<p>It was OK. Right. Maybe Axel really did lose his touch. Maybe he was stupid to think that he could teach someone to love when he forgot what it is.</p>
<p>Axel frowns and starts to stand back up, but Roxas grabs the front of his coat.</p>
<p>“Maybe I… just don’t get it yet,” Roxas elaborates. “Can we… try again?”</p>
<p>Axel pauses and then, with two hands on either side of Roxas’ face, he kisses Roxas and pushes him down onto his bed.</p>
<p>This time, Roxas does kiss back. He’s always been a quick learner, and it seems to apply here, too; his lips move against Axel’s, pushing and pressing in time with Axel’s mouth. Tentatively, Axel starts to introduce his tongue, and Roxas almost immediately takes the cue. Their tongues slide against each other with Axel’s hands in Roxas’ hair, and Roxas’ hands still gripping the front of Axel’s coat.</p>
<p>It feels great. It feels amazing. It feels like the fire Axel summons under his chakrams, but this time the fire is Roxas’ mouth, his hair, his hands.</p>
<p>It’s been so long, and he doesn’t want to stop.</p>
<p>Axel slides his hands down from Roxas’ hair to the zipper of Roxas’ coat. Against Axel’s mouth, Roxas gasps.</p>
<p>“Wh—what are you—”</p>
<p>With the zipper down to Roxas’ waist now, Axel drags his hand up and down Roxas’ revealed chest.</p>
<p>“Stop me if any of this feels too weird,” Axel warns.</p>
<p>All of this must feel weird and new, but none of it should feel bad. From the surprised look on Roxas’ face, the guy doesn’t seem to feel too averse to his vulnerable position. He seems mildly uncomfortable, but not unwilling.</p>
<p>Roxas nods hesitantly. “OK.”</p>
<p>Axel kisses him once on the mouth and then moves down to kiss his neck. The body underneath him shivers at the touch, and Roxas’ breath gets heavier. With his mouth free now, he’s free to react verbally to Axel’s touches. He gasps and whimpers as Axel’s mouth travels lower, to Roxas’ collarbone, to his nipple, down his chest and tummy as Axel continues to unzip Roxas’ coat. Eventually he comes face-to-face with Roxas’ slowly hardening length that bops at the slightest brush of his mouth.</p>
<p>“Ah, Axel,” Roxas hesitates. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>Gently, Axel places his lips against Roxas’ cock. “Do you want me to?”</p>
<p>“I… I don’t know,” Roxas says, squirming.</p>
<p>The poor guy probably hasn’t ever touched this thing. He probably doesn’t even know what it does, or what it can do.</p>
<p>Axel wants to show him.</p>
<p>He opens his mouth wide and then takes Roxas’ cock in his mouth as deep as it can go.</p>
<p>Immediately, Roxas’ eyes go wide, and a heavy breath escapes him. His whole body tenses up, and his fingers curl against the bedsheets. Axel wants to reach out and interlace their fingers, maybe stroke his hand a little to calm him down, but instead, he places one hand on Roxas’ hip and the other on the base of his cock. He has to focus. He wants this to feel good.</p>
<p>In and out, Axel starts to bob his head. Slowly, it all starts coming back to him: how to keep his mouth slick with spit, how to make sure his teeth don’t scrape against the sensitive flesh, how to fit a little bit more into his mouth with every bob back and forth. Not that any of it really matters. Not that Roxas has felt any of this before and would judge him for not delivering well.</p>
<p>But Axel wants to deliver. He wants to make Roxas feel good. He wants Roxas to feel <em>him</em>, to keep moaning and squeezing his eyes shut and tensing his muscles sporadically. Maybe he wants to feel vicariously through Roxas; maybe he wants to remember what it’s like to feel <em>anything </em>the way Roxas is feeling right now.</p>
<p>“A-Axel,” Roxas whimpers. “I… I feel…”</p>
<p>Axel pulls back and uses his hand to pump fast, all the way up and down the engorged and dripping cock.</p>
<p>“What do you feel?” he asks, breathless.</p>
<p>He needs to know.</p>
<p>Roxas blinks rapidly and then bites his lip.</p>
<p>“I feel… so much…”</p>
<p>Axel really might come just from watching and listening to him.</p>
<p>He feels so much? Good. Feel it. Feel it for himself and for Axel, too.</p>
<p>“Let it all out, baby,” Axel encourages, speeding up his rhythm. “Come for me.”</p>
<p>Roxas cries out, tenses his muscles tight, and then releases in Axel’s hand. The liquid spills all over Axel’s hand, making his last few pumps extra slippery as Roxas rides off his waves of pleasure.</p>
<p>Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. There has always been something so fascinating about Roxas, but watching him now, knowing what he feels, almost <em>feeling</em> what he feels, makes it impossible for Axel to look away.</p>
<p>Axel wants to kiss him again, but he has to take care of this mess first.</p>
<p>Once Axel finishes cleaning up, Roxas lifts his head off the pillow to look down at him.</p>
<p>“So, that’s love?” he asks simply.</p>
<p>Axel pauses. Oh. Right.</p>
<p>“Well. It could be.” Axel shrugs. “Or it could not be. It depends.”</p>
<p>“Do you love me?”</p>
<p>Roxas doesn’t look at him with the shy, coy eyes of someone asking their crush. He doesn’t demand it like someone testing the status of a relationship. He asks it matter-of-factly, like someone who wants to find an answer to something he just learned about.</p>
<p>After seeing the faces and hearing the noises Roxas could make during such a passionate act, Axel was starting to think that maybe he’s different from the others. But the lack of emotion in Roxas’ clear, blue eyes crushes those hopes to dust.</p>
<p>Axel barks out a bitter laugh. “None of us can love. We don’t have hearts, remember?”</p>
<p>“Oh…” Roxas says quietly, dropping his gaze.</p>
<p>None of them can love. But that doesn’t mean that can’t change.</p>
<p>Since the start of the Organization, Axel hasn’t always been enthusiastic about their mission. But for the first time in a long time, he wants to go out and collect some hearts. He wants to remember how to feel again.</p>
<p>He wants to remember how to love again.</p>
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